Grab a cuppa, perhaps a biscuit or two, maybe paint your nails, or curl your hair – this is definitely a personal post for me, but I feel like it’s something I really needed to discuss on my blog. If you’ve been following me for a while, 1) Thank you, you absolute queen & 2) You’ll have probably noticed that my style posts went completely M.I.A. pretty suddenly.
From October 2016 til April 2017, I just stopped posting about fashion completely. When I was in that moment in time, I didn’t really understand what was going on. I couldn’t get it, why I couldn’t pull an outfit together, why I was living in jeans and jumpers (and not the nice kind). Anything remotely skin tight, or showing flesh, was a no-go. Oh, and don’t get me started on wearing any shoes other than a standard pair of black Zara boots or my staple 4 y/o vans.
Boohoo Olivia Gingham Ruffle Tiered Sleeve Wrap TopNew Look Petite Frayed Hem Kick Flare JeansTopshop Circle and Stick Multirow NecklaceZara Pom Pom Bucket Bag (Sold Out)Next Point Leather Court Shoes*
Magazines no longer wetted my appetite, and shopping became a dreaded activity, a chore. Everything that I saw other bloggers wearing, trends, even certain fits, I just couldn’t see myself in. Things fitted awkwardly, pointing out my big hips and thick thighs which brought on even more depressive feels. Obviously, I turned to online shopping to shield myself from the awkwardness of leaving the changing room and handing back all 10 of the items you’ve taken in, just because they all looked fucking god awful on you.
ASOS? Missguided? Boohoo? I honestly struggled to find any form of motivation, be it on online or in the street. £100 Christmas sale orders were sent back in their entirety because does this dress really work with that belt? Does this look like I’m trying too hard? What if everyone laughs at this outfit?*queue panic attack* Even beauty, something I used to jokingly classify as a hobby on my C.V. became empty and pointless. Makeup couldn’t cover over my self loathing, I just didn’t see myself as “good enough” to be a blogger.
In short, I lost all sense of self due to my depression and couldn’t even bring myself to find joy in personal style anymore, all of this negativity towards myself and my self image stemmed from depression. Saying that it was a “difficult hole to get out off” would be a gross understatement. It took months to get myself back to… myself. I began to push myself further every week, starting with buying little things like new earrings or something I knew was “safe” to wear like a baggy pair of mom jeans or anything in the all-flattering shade of black.
The worst part was definitely not being able to have a serious conversation with anyone about it. This was for (but not limited to) two reasons. The first of which was not wanting to come across as “unprofessional” or not “serious” about being a style blogger, which couldn’t get more untrue. Secondly, it just sounded a bit conceited in my head, you know? I could see people reacting like “oh that’s so stupid, being sad because she can’t dress nice” or something of that sort. I just felt totally alone, and by struggling to express myself in the way I wanted both my social life and my business (blogging) was struggling with me.
By April, I was so fed up of being in a style rut I decided to put all my eggs in one basket and splash some student loan on much needed retail therapy. It’s like it just got… too much? Not working on my style blog, not feeling my best, just wanting to dissolve into the chair I was sitting on out of sheer disdain for myself. I’m a gal with a generally can-do attitude, and I was determined to pick myself up.
To be honest with you, I don’t know how I got my mojo back – it sort of just, happened? It was like a switch went off in my head that said “you’re being bloody ridiculous” – but it wasn’t until I got back into the swing of style blogging that I really started to value myself and my personal style again. Style blogging became like some form of therapy that eased me back into taking proper care of myself, by concentrating on things that make me feel good – both inside and out.