This ^^^ is a thought that passes through my mind everyday now. With every Instagram post, that’s engagement the algorithm has me fighting even harder for. With every clothing purchase, because fuck it doesn’t matter if I like it, but are my followers going to dig it? Even with every blog post I write. If I’m completely into the topic and think it’s great content imo, what’s the point if nobody reads it? I’m feeling the pressure of the blogging community mounting and tbh I don’t think I can hack it anymore.
There have been a handful of challenging moments this month that have has me seriously considering shutting down my blog as a business altogether, getting a “proper 9-5 job”, and going back to blogging for the fun of it – Because honestly, blogging changes when you go full time and people don’t really talk about the harshness of it all. Blogging has me constantly questioning my abilities in this line of work. From my photography skills, to how much I fucking tweet, to the point at which I begin to question if I can even write anything half decent.
Tobi A Thousand Stars Skater Dress*Tobi Like a Stone Faux Leather Jacket*River Island Chunky Pink Knit Cardigan*ASOS Small Pointy Cat Eye SunglassesPublic Desire Black Suede Lace Up Long Boots*Thomas Sabo Disk Pendant Necklace*Weekday Thick Gold Hoop Earrings
Let me get it straight though, guys. I’m not slating the blogging industry or community has a whole, I just think it’s the line of work we’ve all decided to be in as bloggers. It’s a line of work that has you comparing everything and more to find out where you stack up amongst a sea of other bloggers who are doing pretty-much-but-not-quite everything that you do.
It’s so easy to go from account to account and compare following, engagement, photography, editing, captions, hashtags, and the list goes on. I’m guilty of it and I’m pretty sure everyone in the blogging industry has done this at least once before. It’s natural to check out competition and better yourself, but when you become fixated on getting to xxx followers just because someone else is, or spending all the hours in the day trying to hit xxx likes because that’s what another blogger gets, being an influencer becomes extremely stressful.
I’m not sure as to why but from the end of 2017 to present, I’ve felt more pressure than ever to perform on my social channels and write some killer shit on my blog – So much so, that it actually gives me anxiety. If you’ve experienced anxiety or a panic attack before ~ you know that gripping tight feeling in your chest ~ yeah, I get that every time I post on Instagram. I feel like I need to constantly prove that I’m a fab influencer on social media on the daily, and personally, I never feel like I quite get there.
I’ve begun to question every decision I’m making – Am I really losing my blogging mojo or is it all in my head?
I’ve had so so so many many kind comments about my photography glow-up since I got my Olympus PEN, and I appreciate it every time someone comments or DM’s me letting my know that I’m “slaying it”. But it doesn’t stop me from second guessing every image, and every caption, and every edit. The blogging community is all about getting that engagement right now, and hitting the “Explore” page is top of every bloggers list. So what happens if you’re slaying the game, but the likes just aren’t coming in. What if it’s not the algorithm, what if it’s me?
Oh yeah, I truly know that it’s completely unnecessary to focus on such trivial things, and I’d much rather be in the moment spending time with my partner and family the moment I clock off at the end of a long weekday. However, it’s very difficult to ignore when blogging isn’t a clocking in/clocking out sort of job.
Sharing home truths here, but I had a complete breakdown on our trip to Stockholm. I just lost it, burst into fits of tears and was an inconsolable mess. Al was a right trooper and provided me with many cuddles and chocolates until I could verbalise how I was feeling, and it just came out of me – I don’t even know what I want anymore.
I explained that it was my birthday and a few other bloggers had just done really extravagant birthday posts – with parties, cakes, presents, the whole sha-bang. Pressure. What the fuck was I supposed to post? I’m in Stockholm so I’ve got to make it good right, something really “IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY SO LIKE THIS POST”, right? I admitted to him that if it wasn’t for that pressure, I wouldn’t post at all – I’d have a quiet, introverted birthday doing things I love with the person I love and it’s no one’s bloomin’ business on the gram.
Going forward, I think I need some time out to really think about who I want to be on the internet. I know it sounds like a blogger cliche, but it’s the truth. I just don’t know if I want to be that Instagram Goals girl with a perfect body, or the Travel Qweeeen showing the world how amazing life can be, or the Fashionista with the Gucci belt n’ bag that make all the bloggers swoon. I feel like I need to re-learn how to be truly me.
The alternative gal who enjoys comfort over aesthetic, puts great emphasis on education, science, literature, and loves (beyond anything) our animal companions.
As a promise to myself, this year I’m going on voyage to find out who I really want to be as a blogger, influencer, role model, as a 24 y/o woman on the internet – and fucking own the shit out of it.
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*This is a collaborative post with Tobi, however all thoughts and opinions are my own*