You should probably know that I really did have a good sob whilst writing this post.
It really is difficult for me to read because it’s shows just how real these feelings are. I have both health anxiety (which is often related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder OCD) and social anxiety, with paranoid tendencies. This anxiety also causes me to have depressed thoughts.
Some of the feelings described here I don’t experience everyday on the regular, but I may experience them very frequently on a bad mental health week. These feelings are very very very real to me, and mostly lead to panic/anxiety attacks – and if you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to have one, you’ll know how truly horrible it is.
Please be kind and respect that everyone’s anxiety struggles are different, but equal.
1. “Oh boy it feels great going for a workout right? Wait, why is that guy looking at me? And that girl. Omg everyone is looking at me. I must be doing something wrong. What am I doing wrong?!
I can’t do this, I have to leave.”
2. “What a lovely day of uni revision! I might just treat myself to binge watching Four In A Bed. Oh, oh god, the news is on. Someone died in a car crash. Shit. I’m going to die in a car crash. Yup, I’m going to get fucking hit by a car.
Okay, if I don’t leave the house tomorrow that can’t happen, so I just won’t leave the house.”
3. “Wow, it really does feel great to finally be out of the house and doing something productive, I can’t remember the last time I came to uni properly. Oh great one of my peers wants to brainstorm about a project. Oh crap, they asked me a question. I know the answer, I know it. Waaaait, what if I get it wrong? I’m going to look so stupid, and everyone will just laugh at me.
That’s it, i’ll just tell them I don’t know.”
4. “It was so nice to bump into ///// on the way home from uni. Oh, okay. They want to go for a drink. Like right now. Shit, but we haven’t planned it, or organised it. Where are we going? What are we doing?
Omg okay Hol, don’t panic – just tell them you’re busy.”
5. “Hmmm my leg has been really hurting recently – guess it just has something to do with my joint disability. Oh look a facebook article, better read it even though I shouldn’t. Shit, this girl has cancer which all started with a pain in her leg.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I am literally going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.”
6. “I’m all tucked up in bed, how comfy. Well I can’t wait to have a meeting with my project manager in uni in a few days, it’ll be great to discuss a few things that I’m unsure about.
Oh no, what if it goes really badly and they get annoyed with me, what if they know i’m going to fail but won’t tell me, what if they think that i’m not good enough to even be doing this degree, what if…
Shit, I am not getting any sleep tonight.”
7. “Ouch, my head really does hurt right now – these normal tension headaches are getting really annoying. Oh crap, what if it’s a brain tumour, it could totally be a brain tumour. Shit it make’s total sense, I have a tumour in my brain and I’m dying.
NO. Not this again. I can’t do this again. I fucking can’t do this again.”
I did find this extremely difficult to write, boy did I feel better for it. It’s very easy to just let anxiety overwhelm you, but actually speaking about it can been soothing for the soul. If you’d like me to do another post, with a little bit more detail about my anxiety and depression – pop a comment down below and I’ll see what I can do.
If you want to know a bit more about Anxiety – check out the Anxiety UK website.